Present

Most of us spend very little time being completely present wherever we are.  Our culture has raised distraction to an art form.  Being present is something that I've been trying to develop recently, and it takes a surprising amount of work.  I've noticed some pretty nice benefits, although only in seed form.  We'll see what we harvest from this new seed.

I'm learning that all of my decisions have consequences, whether I like them or not.  I guess I just finally decided to start making decisions that led to consequences I like.

Persistence

They say that good things come to those who wait.  I can see some truth in that statement.  I can also see the value of persistent action.  Often the most valuable things in life don't come on the first try, or the second, or the fifth.  Babe Ruth lives in history for his home runs.  What you don't hear about is that he was also the strikeout leader of his day.  He swung for the fences every day and persisted in the face of his strikeouts.  He was incorrigible in his pursuit.

Persistence requires two things: a clearly defined goal and stubborn effort.  I have set my goals: freedom from debt and freedom from addiction.  Now comes the stubborn effort.  Persist, persist, persist.

Joy

We survived the hurricane intact.  There is a strange peace over me today.  I am grateful for it, but I need to understand it.  I know that it has something to do with my obedience in recent weeks, but I will explore it further tonight.

A little full

I appreciate that at the end of a long day, my heart can feel full and at peace.  I think one of the ways to keep my heart at peace is to take a moment from time to time to express those things that I am simply grateful for:

Work that matters
A virtuous wife
A healthy baby
Personal health
Sunshine on my face
A family that pulls together under pressure
The Gospel of Jesus Christ
Intelligence
A heritage of faith
Boundaries
Chastisement
Humble circumstances
Fuzzy kittens
Humor
Friendly competition
Common ground
High expectations
A strait gate

"Thou art the Christ, the Son of the Living God."

Nerd School

What are my days like here in Massachusetts?  To show you the answer to that question, first a few things that I have learned about myself:

I am a detail oriented guy.  When I say that, I mean that I care deeply about the tiny facets of my life.  It is important to me that a comma is in exactly the right place on a billboard.  It matters if the network cables coming out of the switch I'm working on are all routed correctly.  I care about these things, and so when I see things that are amiss, I want to correct and improve them.

I am intelligent, although hardly the smartest kid you'll ever meet.  I care about making the people around me smile, but I'm quite introverted.  In my travels I have found that I am an unusual person, I don't often fit in.  As I have gone through school and work, I have from time to time stumbled upon someone a lot like me.  I usually latch onto that person for my own sanity and we become friends.  I have never really found a peer group.

Here in Massachusetts, I have found my peer group.  I have met a group of guys that are a whole heckuvalot like me.  A new friend of mine coined the phrase Nerd School for our little group.  I spend each day surrounded by other introverts who care greatly about the details and want to make things exactly right.  It's exhausting, but its also exhilarating.  And that's my life right now.

30

Well, it finally happened.  I left behind the carefree 20's and I'm now forced to admit that I, too, am mortal.

All of you who disparaged my skinnyness, you can relax now...I'm getting fat. :)

As I go back to work and dive into a new day, I leave you with one thought:

Getting older is an opportunity to do new things for yourself, instead of the God's gift of a body doing them for you.  Sort of like teaching a teenager to do their own laundry, we have to manually watch over the health and well-being of our body; like a stewardship.

Family Home Evening

We were invited to join a family that we met here in Mass. for dinner tonight.  Afterwards, we enjoyed a nice family home evening.  They have four small children and they spent most of the time climbing all over us and chasing each other around the yard.  The lesson and the games were simple, but I could see the value of the simple interactions between the children and child to parent.  It continues to amaze me just how many of the keys to success that I use over and over in my life I learned in similar situations as a young child.

I contrast this to our trip to Boston.  We had two different complete strangers walk up to Kristen on the train and ask her if Ethan was hers.  I have to assume that they took her for a nanny, but it caused me to ponder how different Ethan's life would be if he were to spend the bulk of his time being cared for and not parented.

As I work on parenting a tiny child, I grow to appreciate my own parents more.

Staying Honest

I didn't write every day last week.  I kept up with my journaling, but took a day or two off from writing.  I did this for a couple of reasons.

First, because I'm pretty busy these days, and the blog got pushed off the schedule.

Second, because I began to feel as though I was running out of things to say.  I've found that I must continually strive to balance the revelation coming into my life through scripture study and prayer with the contributions I make in the lives of those around me.  If I focus too much on my internal spiritual life, I have nowhere to go with the blessing I am given; too much on the outer and I have nothing to give.  When I felt like I had nothing to say, I took it as a warning sign that I had too many draws, not enough sustenance.  That left me with two alternatives: I could take a step back and recharge, or, I could lie to you and make up an entry that I didn't honestly feel.

I chose to take a step back.  It felt good to take a few days to recharge, connect with my wife and baby, and re-center myself on the things of greatest importance.  Now I'm back and anticipate continuing my previous publishing schedule.

Have a great Monday!

Great Work

How do I magnify my calling to provide for my family while honoring the Lord's mandate to "seek ye first the kingdom of God"?  I am entering into a professional career that requires that I invest large portions of myself out into the world.  I am doing this to feed my family and provide for our future.

I have been counseled by my priesthood leaders to be very careful to "not seek for great wealth, or the honors of men".  This has confirmed my quandary and proven to be difficult advice to follow.  I think I might have found a way forward that does not violate either mandate.

Seek for great work.

Great work is work that matters.  It is work that requires a servant's heart.  A man could hold the loftiest position on the planet, and if he holds the servant's heart, he will not abuse that power.  If I make every single professional decision through the lens of "how best can I serve my brothers and sisters in this position and through these actions?" then I can and must succeed in my efforts to provide for my family.

The scene for the coming battle is set, I know where I will stand and who I will be standing with.  I now know why I am standing and that the Lord will sustain me.

The deep breathe before the plunge...

Center or Re-Center

Today I had a stressful day at work.  I came home and felt disconnected from the anchors of my life.  My son happened to be sick today and so when I came home I took him from my wife and sang hymns to him to calm him. The funny thing is, the singing calmed me more than him.  It re-centered me on the true priorities in life.  It gave me strength to face another day and new adventures.

I am grateful for the atonement of Jesus Christ.

Monday Morning

Why is it so hard to find contentment on a monday morning?  It seems that I have an easier time finding peace and contentment in my life once I'm into the swing of my work week, but my heart still knows some fear when I'm here in the dark of the early morning, looking forward into the week.

I guess I still have something to learn.

Test

Today I will be tested again.  I passed the preliminaries earlier this week, now it is on to the main event.  This week reminds me that we are all to stand ready to be tested every day, because we do not know when the Lord will call us to service.  I ask myself every morning as I get ready for the day: "am I willing to put in the work necessary to prepare to serve the Lord today?"  If I prepare, I am being obedient; if I am obedient, I am blessed by the Lord.

Sounds like a win/win to me.

Simple

I find peace in simplicity.  I gave a presentation earlier this week introducing myself to a group of new co-workers.  I spoke about the family I came from and where my little family is going.  I told them that my family is why I do what I do.  It's true, without them, I would not be giving the same sacrifices.  My needs aren't important enough to give that much up.

My wife and my baby smiled at me today, and so today goes into the books as a success.

Advancing without opposition

In military strategy, there is a methodology for advancing your lines with minimal risk to your troops.  Essentially, you fire from under cover in order to suppress enemy action and you advance your fortifications towards their lines.  If you've ever seen Last of the Mohicans, this is what the French are doing to the British fort.  It is slow, labor-intensive, and extremely difficult to counter.


I find that I have spent most of my life growing in this way.  I am a pathologically late bloomer.  I never spoke baby talk, my first words were complete sentences.  I read aloud very little until I could read sentences fluently.  I never dated until I was looking for a wife.  I don't chase jobs I'm not very qualified for.  And I've never pushed back really really hard against the devil and his snares.

I hope it is wisdom for me to see that I can move faster to retake ground against the wiles of the devil.  I believe that through the atonement of Christ, I can gain the wisdom and perception to move myself and my family forward until we are standing where He needs us.  Sometimes God commands movement, and when that is the case even the slightest pause can be disobedient.  But once we've moved to where He needs us, often the command is to hold, and there even the slightest move can be disobedient.

I see God in my life.  I feel His urging to move.  I can also sense that it will soon be time to stand.  I hope that we can hold in the coming days.

Smart Enough

I've been pretty smart.  If I apply myself, I can usually puzzle out most problems.  When I was younger, I would rely on my intelligence to get away with less work.  As I have matured, I have discovered something interesting.  As with most attributes, intelligence has diminishing returns.  If you look at IQ scores as a measure of analytic intelligence, an IQ score of 100 means you are exactly average.  If you are lucky enough to be smart enough to score a 115 on an IQ test, that means you are smarter than 84% of the adult population.  A score of 130 makes you smarter than 97% of the population.

Being smart is useful, going from 100 to 115 can help you compete in the marketplace and make wise decisions in how you run your home.  Going from 140 to 155 moves you just a smidge in the land of the already intelligent, but doesn't do much to help you in the day to day struggle of life.

This has helped me to understand a few new things about the challenges in my new job.  It is highly technical, and so it requires that I am smart.  But it really only requires that I am smart enough.  Past a certain baseline for grasping the technical details, additional intelligence doesn't buy me much.

What helps me move past the boundaries of mere intelligence?  Work.  One man I admire told me his motto is: "I'm smart enough, and I'll outwork you."  If you take smart enough and couple it to an indefatigable will, you can move pretty large hills.  If you couple smart enough with work ethic and underpin the pair with faith, mountains find a new home.

Revelation

You're entitled to personal revelation, but not necessarily twice.  Write it down.

We all pass this way only once, what are you saving for your children?

35 pages

In the last 7 days of class, I have taken 35 pages of typewritten notes.  Those notes are only significant because of the time, effort, and mental sweat they represent.  The thing is, if I hadn't written them, then a large portion of my work over the last 7 days would be lost.  In a real way, if we don't write it down, it never happened.

What did you have for lunch two days ago?  I'm betting you can't remember very easily, and I'm also betting you didn't write it down.  What was the last thing you said to your mother?  Keep in mind, these examples are recent history, once you take the human mind back through years and decades, this exercise quickly becomes impossible.

We are not designed to remember most things unless they are either written down or seared into our brain through the power of emotion.  In addiction psychology, there is a concept called an ECE: an emotionally charged event.  Every single person who reads this can tell me exactly where they were on the morning of September 11th.  I don't even need to say the year.  They can tell me what the weather was, who they were with, what they felt, and why it matters.  This is because the emotions of that experience seared those memories into their brains.

It is possible for one emotion to override another. In the years since September 11th, some have chosen to seize on the emotions of September 12th, when our brothers and sisters rallied around the cause of freedom.  The powerful emotions of unity and purpose of the 12th served to partially override the pain of the 11th.

Since we can't easily control our emotions, particularly if we are in the middle of battling an addiction, I suggest that we look to an activity much more within our control: writing.  If you write it, it happened.  If you have a victory, write it.  If you have a problem, write until you find the solution, then write the solution.  If you miss a friend, write and tell them so.  Write a handwritten letter and mail it to your grandmother, it just might be the highlight of her year.

If you're struggling with negative emotional patterns, and powerful old addictions and habits that stem from ECE's, you can help to re-write your brain in a more healthy manner by writing out a new world for yourself.

I will always remember the last two weeks, and I can sincerely say that it will largely be due to those 35 pages of notes.

The Privilege of Being Tired

Fatigue makes cowards of us all.

How a man handles fatigue is a true test of his character.  I’ve had periods in my life where I have never had to be tired.  I could sleep when I wanted, wake when I wanted, work when I felt like it, and watch TV the rest of the time.  I avoided fatigue, but I ended up a shell of myself: the walking dead in a way.  I’ve recently changed career paths and with that change I made a trade.  I bought fatigue and found out that it’s a package deal.  With fatigue, I also got career satisfaction, a stay-at-home mother (my wife), training and professional growth, eventual freedom from debt, and the personal purification that comes from sacrifice immediate wants.

Sacrifice brings for the blessings of heaven.

Fatigue is a privilege.

Note: My apologies for the publishing delay.  I had a scheduling conflict last night.

New and Deep

Kristen and I have been encountering new adventures every day on this trip.  In several ways, this trip has served as a type of "reboot" for our relationship.  I interact with her and with Ethan differently while here.  I am a lot less available, both physically and mentally; yet I find that their needs are met in new and often better ways than before.  Kristen's expectations of herself have begun to shift as well.  Her day consists of a lot less laundry, cleaning, and other household chores, and more one on one time with Ethan.  We are moving into new circles and new pools of experience, and we are finding them to be deep water.

The funny thing is, I wouldn't have chosen this end from my available beginnings.  I only got where I am right now, going the direction I'm going, by removing addiction from my life.  In a very fundamental way, I couldn't get here from there.  Now that I'm here, my heart is full of gratitude and peace.

How do I Reach Them?

Our class had a quiz today.  It was a single question verbal quiz.  We failed it.

Most of the details don't really matter in the end.  It doesn't matter that I was well prepared.  It doesn't matter how badly I wanted to reach out and help my classmates.  In a very real way I couldn't.  As a class, as a group, as a team, we failed the quiz.  The question is: did I fail personally?

To put your mind at ease, it was not a major test, and anything impacting on my job is done individually, so my ability to provide for my family is unimpacted.  I take this as an opportunity to look at the men around me and see if there is something more I can do.

I held another study group tonight.  Three people showed up.  I don't know how to help more than I am.  How do I reach out to people and share the knowledge I have?

I am once more open to suggestions.

The Power of Preparation

I am in the middle of an intense corporate training class.  Each day new obligations are put on us, each day we find ourselves deluged with additional technical information.  And each day I find myself ready for the challenge.

Why?

Because I prepare.  I set personal deadlines ahead of the official ones.  I stay ahead in the reading.  I spend a portion of my morning re-centering on the gospel of Jesus Christ and my role within it.  This step in particular grants me the perspective to make the best choices possible that day.

The day we have tomorrow is the day we prepared for today.